Why'd you read this?

There is no question in the mind of sane football fans as to who the best team in the world is: Temple. Not because they are good or because they win a lot, but because the team is named after a part of the human anatomy. Temple. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about the magical power the name invokes. I want to play for them. I want to spend money on their tickets. I want to rub my temples. Okay, I know they finished 5-7 last year, but that's probably because they were so engrossed with the name of their team emblazoned on their uniforms. And even still, they won 5 games. So that proves my original claim. Simply amazing.

So what can the other teams in the NCAA do in order to even be in the same plane of existence of these glorious specimens of American wonderment? Obviously, come up with more exciting names. Let's start by helping the crappily named teams come up with better names. We start with some of the stinkers:

Oklahoma Sooners: Besides the fact that this name makes the team sound like a bunch of premature ejaculators, their uniforms are ugly. I know you are saying "They are the same as Temple, you hypocrite!" Well, you are obviously an Obama voter, because Temple is Cherry and White, not Crimson and Cream. Really, look it up. I know you will. RECOMMENDED NAME CHANGE: Oklahoma Elbows

South Carolina Gamecocks: Okay, this name is pretty sweet, let's be honest with ourselves. Is it Temple sweet? No. How do they get there? Drop the "Game." South Carolina Cocks has a much better ring to it. They shouldn't have game in their names since they don't bring any game on Saturday. RECOMMENDED NAME CHANGE: Steve Spurrier has a little boy locked in his closet. I mean South Carolina Cocks.

University of Miami Hurricanes: To make light of a murderous natural disaster is disgusting. Just like Steve Spurrier's pedophilia. Hurricanes kill hundreds of Americans every year. They are like terrorists, only worse, because they have attacked my house. Literally. So what can the U do in order to not be a bunch of uncaring douche rockets? Change their name to the Douche Rockets. RECOMMENDED NAME CHANGE: UM Douche Rockets.

Kent State Golden Flashes: (Insert funny joke about the national guard senselessly killing hippies). This terrible name immediately makes me think of golden showers, and those aren't good unless you are in Chihuahua, Mexico and you need to talk your way out of a precarious situation with two Mexican transgender prostitutes who stole your wallet. Trust me. RECOMMENDED NAME CHANGE: KSU Hippie Butchers.

Texas Tech Red Raiders: Gay. Gay. Gay. Might as well be called the Texas Tech Ass Raiders (male). So what should they do to man up? Take off the pink uniforms, put down the fist-shaped latex marital aides, and play football. RECOMMENDED NAME CHANGE: TTU Kitty Punchers.

"WAIT!" you are screaming loudly, "aren't there some passable names in NCAA football?!!" Yes there are exactly five.

Notre Dame Fightin' Irish: Without the apostrophe after the 'n', this name would be up there with the Oklahoma Premature Ejaculators. But because the Crazy Jesuits up there in Indiana decided to put the apostrophe on the 'n', they're safe. Mad props to the Fightin' Irish. (I also would have given the Hurricanes a free pass if they went by Hurrican's.)

Texas Longhorns: The only better way of letting your fans know how large your genitals are is by going by "Texas 12-inch Johnsons." I have it on good authority that this name was pitched to the Board of Trustees and they approved. Bureaucrats obviously got in the way and ruined everything.

Marshall Thundering Herd: Honorable mention because their plane crashed. Also, they're thundering. Bonus points would have been awarded for Thunderin' Herd, but no dice Marshall.

Alabama Crimson Tide: This team name doesn't make the list because of the name alone, although it is pretty swanky. The team gets on the list because of the elephants that are associated with the team. GOP! Romney 2012!

AND FINALLY: Miami Hurricanes: I know you will say, "Wait! You had them in the crappy names!" And I will say "Fuck you, this is America." And after all, hurricanes are kind of funny. Although I would prefer they be the Hurrican's. But you can't always get what you want.

To sum up the whole article, I'd use a few words: Why'd you read this?